Well, hello there and thank you for joining me for another episode of let's just face it. This is your host
Rakel Colina. Today is episode number 46. I taught my children how to lie, to stay safe from my abuser
and his flying monkeys. Let me explain. For over 14 years, I had lived in the shadow of this man.
I have lived in the shadow of a man I didn't know, was abusing me financially, emotionally,
psychologically, in every way possible. I had no idea that it was abuse. While you're in it. It's not always
easy, but when you leave, you see things in a different light and that's exactly what happened to me.
While I was with him, I was used to having to hide things. For example, when I say financial abuse, I had
to buy the stuff that I needed, and I had to hide it from him
I couldn't let him know that I was spending money on the things that I needed, and they always had to
seem like they had been in my closet for years. He had no attention to detail. So, all I had to do was put
everything in the closet and then wear it, not pull it out of a bag, pull it from my closet. Hide the bag. So,
he would never notice that I was shopping, that I was buying anything at all.
Emotional abuse? I was made to think that I was crazy, that everything that happened in this
relationship was all my fault. There were so many times where I would sit and think back, why did I say
that? Why did I tell him that? Why did I bring this up? It's all my fault and this is what they do.
I didn't realize while I was in it, that I was in an abusive relationship and I had learned to lie my way
through the relationship. Through the lies I had found where I was safe. He didn't have to find out about
certain things, and it was okay because I wasn't doing anything bad. I was just holding off from having a
big discussion for having an argument or a fight with him.
But I was lying. I was lying to him and I was lying to myself all the time. It became so common and so
much a part of my life that I didn't realize every time I came up with a lie. I even lied to cover his ass. I
lied to the people that were around me that knew that I was in an abusive relationship and did not even
dare to tell me.
I lied about the way that he made me feel uncomfortable whenever he would call me screaming. Where
are you? Where have you been? When are you coming home? Who are you with? I had made excuses
for him numerous times for my boss, for my friends, for the family. I had made excuses. Everything was
a lie. And the biggest lie of all was the fact that I thought this was love.
And another lie was the fact that I thought I loved him. It wasn't about love. It was about being scared to
lose what I didn't know I never had. I taught myself how to lie and the best way possible. So, he would
never find out that I was lying. He thought he could play the same game. It didn't work and I would catch
him all the time, but then whenever I did catch him, it was always my fault. It was my fault that I didn't
trust him. It was my fault that he did that. It was my fault, my fault, my fault. So, I decided that I needed
to leave this relationship. And when I did, everything was normal. My life was starting to fall back into
My children were happier. I was happier and then he started to want it to come into my life, again. He
wanted to see the kids. He wanted to be closer to them. He wanted to talk to me more often than not,
and he was trying to love to bomb me after I had left him. Sadly, because he is the father of my child. I
could not go no contact, but even then, I didn't even know that that's what I had to do.
The way that I found that I could defend myself was to keep on lying. I didn't have to lie about as many
things as I did when I was living with him There were things that I could do. And I felt safe doing them
without having to tell anybody what I was doing, where I was going or with whom
But then I realized, he had people on his side that were supposed to be on my side. I then realized that
the things that I did, even though they were not bad at all, w his ears. Then I realized that he had flying
monkeys that were watching over me and telling him everything that I was doing, because these people
were people I had trusted at some point.
If you don't know what a flying monkey is, you can go back to episode 22, this smear campaign and
flying monkeys and you can learn a lot more than in this episode about what it is. Short version, flying
monkeys are people that your abuser finds they can manipulate and have them either triangulate the
abuse or use them to keep abusing you as well.
I kept falling and falling and falling for it all the time. At one point, I realized that I was no longer happy
that I was out of this relationship. I was just a sad and as hurt and as broken as I had been while I was in
this relationship. And it was in this moment in time that I decided that to live in a safe world, in a safe
environment where I wouldn't be judged, criticized, hurt or accused I had to lie. But now it wasn't just
me because these people were involved in my life. I had to lie about almost everything. I had to lie
about who I dated, when I dated. I had to lie about where I was with whom, for how long. I had to lie
about my financials. I had to lie where the kids went. I had to lie about everything.
And it was already something that I could not do on my own. Therefore, this is when I taught my
children to lie. I had to teach my children to lie so we could be safe from all these people around us,
including my ex. We all had to lie. We all had to have the same story. It was hard to keep tabs on
everything, but everything that didn't seem like we were living the perfect life, I felt had to be
For example, small things like if I didn't cook for three or four days and we had fast food, I felt that that
information had to be hidden because they weren't having healthy meals. I felt that we went to visit
somebody and came home too late. We had to lie about the time that we had been there. I felt at this
point in my life that everything that we were doing, trying to live a normal, happy life as a single mom
had to be covered up and had to be lied about. This was not easy. It was just as hurtful. It was just as
heavy on us as everything else. But this was the only way that we felt safe. When I say we, I know my
young one was too young to know or understand any of this, but my daughter was old enough to
understand what was going on. My daughter knew exactly why we were doing it and that we have to
keep on doing it.
There was no other way that we could live a happy, healthy life. If we didn't lie about everything that we
did. We were criticized about where we went, not only by him but we were criticized by the flying
monkeys that were involved in our lives. These people, we can't shake off.
I was teaching my children how to lie, to stay safe in a life that we were building together. I was teaching
my children how to keep themselves safe.
What does it take to create the life that you want for your child? What does it take to feel safe in a life
of your own design? We will all be judged, and we will all be criticized, but we have to learn to rise
above it. I still don't provide a lot of information. I only provide the necessary information.
And now that my child is older, he is the one that provides his information to his father. I am no longer
looking for ways to connect with him. I am no longer interested in making arrangements after I got full
custody back for my son.
I am no longer interested in having any type of relationship with this man. As many times, as I tried,
even after we broke up to be friendly, to be friends, it is not possible. It doesn't matter how big your
heart is. You have to look back and see all the things these people have made us do. Not only that they'll
come back, and they're portrayed themselves as very nice and in a very fragile position.
I did horrible things. I taught my children how to lie. I have to lie to the people around me so we could
be safe. I still have to talk to my children about the types of conversations that they can have with this
individual, but these are all the things that we've had to do. I taught my children how to lie. Yes, I did.
And I admit it guilty, but it was exactly where we found our peace. This was exactly where we found our
freedom. We are driven to different things. We are all taken through different routes and we have to
make decisions about what is best for our family.
When you leave your abuser, you would have had a different experience than me and maybe teaching
your children how to lie seems horrible, but you might have gone through something horrendous or
difficult that you had to do to feel safe.
We can't judge other people for what they do, especially when you have come out of a toxic, abusive
relationship. These abusers play with your mind. In my case, I took it back to that and I had to play with
theirs. I had to change information and withhold information for the safety of my family.
I only provide information that this person needs for the benefit of my child. I only provide the
information that I want to provide. I put a stop to it, and I said, you can no longer ask about me, what I
do, how I do it with whom.
The what, when and where that is, none of your business. I drew the line and even though he tries to
erase the line at times, I draw it right back up. You have to draw the line. You have to find a place where
you find your safety net. Where you find your freedom from this relationship.
Not because you have a child with this person, does it mean that you have to live like this for the rest of
your life. You broke the relationship. You took the chance you deserve peace, and you deserve to move
Yes. I taught my children how to lie and I am not proud of it, but it was what I had to do at the time to
keep them safe, to keep me safe.
You do, you, nobody can judge you for the things that you need to do to get out of your relationship.
Nobody can tell you whether you're doing it right, or whether you're doing it wrong. Each of us have to
learn to survive. When we leave this toxic environment and we pull some toxic traits from the
relationship into our new reality, and that is the truth.
This was mine. But after I discovered everything that I had gone through and everything that I had been
doing, I told my children why this was happening. They understand the reason why I did it. And even
though it doesn't make it right, it does make them understand the reason why we had to lie about the
things that we did.
We had to lie about the people that we saw or where we went for, how long and with whom. I had to
teach them that this was wrong, but I also told them why. My daughter knows more about the situation
because she doesn't share the same father. Yes, I taught my children how to lie, to stay safe from my
abuser and his flying monkeys.
I hope that you don't have to get here where I was. I hope that you find ways to deal with your
newfound freedom. If you're not there now, when you get there, I hope that you find ways to deal with
it different than mine that make you better, but my better is different than your better. And we have to
learn to understand that.
We all need to find a way to be safe out of the hands of the abuser. I'm not proud for what I did, but I
know that it was necessary for the safety of my children. I have to be aware of the comments because I
already realized some topic of conversation that they should not be having. And I already realized the
information that was put in my son's head.
It might not stop because your abuser will not change, but be aware of the things around you, be aware
of children's behavior of their questions, of their attitudes. When they come back from visiting their
other parent. Like I said in last week's episode, co-parenting with a narcissist is Contra parenting more
than anything else, but you do you, whatever you need to do to survive after you leave your toxic
relationship do not feel guilty about it.
We all have different types of survival skills. We all need to do things differently. And this was mine.
? 2021 Let's Just Face It Rakel Colina, LLC