46. I taught my children how to lie, to stay safe from my abuser and his flying monkeys.

Episode #46

I didn't realize while I was in it, that I was in an abusive relationship and I had learned to lie my way through the relationship.  Through the lies, I had found where I was safe. He didn't have to find out about certain things, and it was okay because I wasn't doing anything bad. I was just holding off from having a big discussion for having an argument or a fight with him.

But I was lying. I was lying to him and I was lying to myself all the time. It became so common and so much a part of my life that I didn't realize every time I came up with a lie. I even lied to cover his ass.  I lied to the people that were around me that knew that I was in an abusive relationship and did not even dare to tell me.

I lied about the way that he made me feel uncomfortable whenever he would call me screaming. Where are you?  Where have you been? When are you coming home? Who are you with? I had made excuses for him numerous times for my boss, for my friends, for the family. I had made excuses. Everything was a lie. And the biggest lie of all was the fact that I thought this was love.

Another lie was the fact that I thought I loved him. It wasn't about love. It was about being scared to lose what I didn't know I never had. I taught myself how to lie and the best way possible. At one point, I realized that I was no longer happy that I was out of this relationship. I was just sad and as hurt and as broken as I had been while I was in this relationship.  And it was at this moment in time that I decided that to live in a safe world, in a safe environment where I wouldn't be judged, criticized, hurt, or accused I had to lie. But now it wasn't just me because these people were involved in my life. I had to lie about almost everything. 

It was already something that I could not do on my own. Therefore, this is when I taught my children to lie. I had to teach my children to lie so we could be safe from all these people around us, including my ex. We all had to lie.  We all had to have the same story.  It was hard to keep tabs on everything, but everything that didn't seem like we were living the perfect life, I felt had to be rearranged.

Full post here: https://rakelcolina.com/blog/46