[00:00:00] Rakel: Well, hello there and thank you for joining another episode of let's just face it. Today is episode number 48. This is part two of a two-part series. And today's episode is I think I can change him.
[00:00:15] If you've been in a toxic, abusive relationship for any amount of time you've had this mentality for a while now, and you probably already even tried to change this person. Now, let me ask you this:
[00:00:28] how many times have you tried to change him? What are the things that you have done to change him? Next question. Have you been able to change anything at all in their habits, their personality, anything at all? No. I know because these people with toxic abusive mentalities, narcissists, they don't change. You might want to make changes in a person, but this person will not change.
[00:00:55] It is impossible for a person with a narcissistic personality disorder to change. They don't change. They will put on a mask. They will try to do what you are requesting for a small amount of time and then at some point the mask will fall off. They will get tired of doing what you were requesting because once you request it and once they start doing it, they get what they want.
[00:01:23] Once they get what they want. It doesn't matter what you want. It doesn't matter what you want out of this relationship, as long as they get what they want, they don't have to do anything for you. It is all about them a hundred percent of the time, even when they seem to be doing something nice or something good.
[00:01:44] And you're thinking, "wow, I never thought he would do this". Or "I never thought he would say this" be aware because there is always an agenda. There's always a hidden agenda behind the fact that they're being so nice to you or so accommodating. When you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, your partner will not change.
[00:02:06] You have to start getting into the right type of mentality. If it hasn't worked up until now, if I've put everything that I can into this relationship, if I had made myself to be the best person that I can be, and I have adapted to this relationship and to this person, you already know what this person is capable of.
[00:02:27] You already know the ins and outs of their personality. If you feel this person is not at all Vibing at your same level, this person hurts you, makes you feel bad, makes you feel like you're less of a person, less valuable. Doesn't make you feel wanted, doesn't make you feel you have worth and doesn't make you feel love... there is no changing them. You can't change a person with toxic traits.
[00:02:56] You can help somebody modify, but when they have this toxic, abusive behavior, all they do is put in a mask for a certain amount of time and when they have this mask on, they always have this hidden agenda. They don't change for you. They don't change for anybody. They only change according to what they need to do. The supply that they need from you.
[00:03:20] Remember these people see something in you that you don't see, you have a light to you, and they see this light and they need to dim this light in so they can shine, so they can outshine you. This is the way that they are down in their core, in their brain. This is the way their brains are wired.
[00:03:42] They don't know any better. It doesn't matter the amount of love that you give this person, the amount of attention. If you were to give them everything they ever wanted from you, this will not make this person change because this is the person that lovebombed you. You keep thinking and you keep saying, "oh, but he's being so good". He's been doing all these kinds of things that he wasn't doing before. Again, beware because there's something in the back of it.
[00:04:12] They're doing this because they're feeling that they're losing their grasp on you. They feel that they're losing control over you and this is what you had requested, or you had mentioned that you needed. Then they go back to what you said you needed, and they love bomb you again with things that you have already requested from them.
[00:04:33] Because they're doing these things doesn't mean that they're changing, it doesn't mean that the person they are at the core, the toxic, abusive, or narcissist person that they are at their core, this does not mean that they change. It means that they're adapting to the environment that you are requesting from them and this is what they need to do to love bomb you, to Hoover you, to manipulate you or gaslight you, these are all the techniques that they use to make you believe that everything that they're doing, they're changing for you. They're adapting for you. This is where you have to be careful because you think that they're changing, that they have it in them to change and they don't.
[00:05:15] Then they make you feel like everything is getting better, but if you've been journaling, if you've been writing down every time something bad happens or everything that makes you feel bad happens, I can promise you almost a hundred percent, that if you go back to your journals and you realize all that you have been through all that they have put you through, you're going to say, am I going crazy?
[00:05:42] It makes you feel crazy because you love on this person you want them to be a certain way. And once they get to be that certain way, you forget everything that they've done to you before. This is what causes us to keep staying in these relationships because we keep wanting that pretty side, that good side, that loving side that they don't even have.
[00:06:10] They're putting the mask on to make you think that everything is fine until they fall out again. Until they get tired or they get out of you what they want.
[00:06:19] If you're in any kind of relationship where you're not feeling that you're being loved, you're being valued, you're being cared for, they're putting you first at some point, if this is not happening, if a person is not adding to you, but is subtracting from you, this is not the relationship that you need to be involved in. You have to be looking for people that will add to you that will make you feel loved and cared for and happy and joyful.
[00:06:47] Not all relationships are perfect. And we all go through good times and bad times. That is not what I am saying. But if you feel that your relationship is toxic or it's making you feel that you're crazy. More than likely every time you're feeling crazy. That is a big, huge red flag, a huge sign that you in a toxic, abusive relationship, that your partner is an abuser. Whether it's physically, emotionally, Or psychologically.
[00:07:16] You need to be aware. Of what you need to be your best self and if the person next to you is not helping you get there, if you put your plans, your goals out to this person, and they don't mean as much to them, if you don't see their emotion, their feelings involved into thinking, "wow, you can do this. This is perfect for you. It looks hard, but if anybody can achieve it, you can achieve it". If you don't have this cheerleading kind of attitude towards your goals or your plans for the future, this person will not be there to cheer you on or to push you forward when you need to push. This person will feel like you're a threat to them because they can't see you as you are above them.
[00:08:00] They always have to be above you and they will not let you move to the point that you want to be your highest self, your best self with a person that is trying to hold you back. You are worth so much more. And there's a lot of people out there looking for a partner to help them grow, looking for a partner to share dreams and goals and move forward.
[00:08:23] You do not need to stay in a toxic, abusive relationship because you will never find your love again, because you don't want to stay alone. Once you see where you're at, once you realize that you've been caged, you not being loved, you, not being cared for.
[00:08:40] You're just being caged in this type of situation that you do not want to be part of that you do not want to be in. This is not what you signed up for.
[00:08:51] Today. I am trying to tell you, you cannot change him. You can fight with me and I'm pretty sure a couple of you on the other side are fighting. I will make this happen. And I know that I can do it. I have been there. I tried to change him. I tried to change me and just like me. I know hundreds of people that have tried to change him, had tried to change her.
[00:09:16] There is no changing them. Their minds are wired differently than yours. You have feelings, they don't have feelings. You have empathy, they don't and if they don't have empathy for you, why can you actually believe that they can give you? They're not loving on you and you have to understand that if a person is not loving you, you're in the wrong type of relationship.
[00:09:39] You're not looking for a roommate. You're not looking for a helper. You're not looking for somebody to put you down. We have to stop accepting that people tear us down. We have to stop accepting things that we do not want in our lives. We empaths are also people pleasers and we have to stop pleasing the people that are not meant to be in our lives.
[00:10:03] We have to stop pleasing other people that wouldn't do the same thing for us. So for today, I want you to start journaling. I want you to start looking around and start writing down how you're feeling, how you feeling towards your relationship. What are the attitudes that you are seeing from your partner?
[00:10:24] How are they making you feel, put some goals and plans in front of them and see how they make you feel, see how they react to your plans and your goals and your dreams. See, if there's a person that's going to be there to support you. On the other side, if they're toxic and abusive, they won't change. You need to stop trying because they will never change.
[00:10:48] You need to make a decision. Either you decide to stick in this toxic, abusive relationship, like many do where you open your eyes and you say no more. I know that not everybody can leave. It took me about five to six months and I had my own job and my own income.
[00:11:05] You need to decide if you're going to keep closing your eyes and covering up what is going on, or if you need to start opening your eyes, start opening your heart and seeing what's actually in front of you. It took me five months to leave. It's going to take another friend of mine probably six months to a year.
[00:11:22] And it's going to take another friend of mine a couple of months to leave. We all have jobs. So I understand that it's not easy for everybody because not everybody is where we've been. I know a lot of people have been held back from working on earning income, but you need to open your eyes and decide on leaving first and then making a plan to leave.
[00:11:43] It doesn't have to happen tomorrow, but start working on it. And you will know exactly when your time is.
[00:11:49] You have to stop saying that you will change him and start opening your eyes and realizing that it doesn't matter if you change. It doesn't matter if you become a hundred percent, what you think they want, they don't even know what they want. If you think you can change him, it will never happen. You changing for him or you trying to change him for you that will never happen. Open your eyes. See the red flags and start moving forward.
[00:12:12] Remember facing small fears can lead to big changes.